Fearing to ask the question: Am I losing my identity?

It's been more than a year since I first decided to move forward with my prophylactic mastectomy, more than 3 and a half years since my dad passed away, and just shy of 6 years since I tested positive for the BRCA1 genetic mutation. And the craziest throwback of them all? The very last part of my surgery and reconstruction was complete just nine days ago. So the obvious (at least to me) question presents itself: Is it all over? Is the person I've become throughout this journey ending her reign of breast cancer Previvor queen? And the scariest question of all: Who am I now? The short answer is that I am changed. Physically, emotionally, I am a changed woman. Having to deal with physical trials and pain for pretty much the first time in my life was hard, though it made me realize how strong you can be when you need to, and how minimal my pain and trials were, compared to if I would have gotten sick, and not had this as a preventative procedure.

God love one of my BFFs for being the one friend that always asks you the "what was your best and worst of the last year" when it's your birthday type questions. I'm lucky enough that my crew of best friends celebrated my reconstruction completion this past weekend, and naturally, at dinner, this BFF posed the question to both Kevin and I of "what, when now looking back, are we surprised about now that this whole ordeal is complete?" Kev's answer was frighteningly so true: When we look now at those we've either met over the last few months, or even just seen from afar, that are fighting the battle of breast cancer, and especially at such a young age, it definitely scares us straight. The few months of struggles were 100% the right choice, for both of us. My odds were just simply not in my favor, and I did something to fix that. I can't predict the future, but I can say with confidence that I lowered my risk of becoming one of those statistics.

Emotionally, I've been on a roller coaster. I'd say most of the time I've been on top of the ride, able to use this experience as a positive one, staying confident and optimistic. But there were some days I went down the hill and struggled to climb back up. I took things out on people who didn't deserve it, I avoided others, and sometimes let myself get down. But now looking back, I think it was all deserved. I deserved a day or two to be hurting, emotionally or physically, and I deserved to be mad that I had to miss out on something, or mad at the forgotten friend who didn't reach out. It made my skin a little thicker, and gave me the ability to climb myself back to the top of the ride and realize all of the good things and good people I have in my life. I did not come out bitter, I can promise you that.

I guess I'm most scared of losing the identity of the person I've become. I've always had some type of added identity, not necessarily by choice, but always there. Whether it be the girl in the sorority who's dad is sick, the girl with the weird genetic thing or now the girl who had the mastectomy. And I'm not mad about it. If anything, it's helped shape who I am to myself and who I am to others, hopefully in a pleasant light, for overcoming these situations. But, it is scary, thinking I'm losing something that's helped give me a confidence, or a motivation to be better and to do better.

So the silver lining? There is still so much more to share, so many more lives to touch and hopefully many more lives to save. My work now is not just who I am, but my mission. Because now I've done more than share my story and journey as I've gone through it. I've actually overcome it and have the ability to move forward. And I'm going to at least let myself believe that's more than a stigma, or even an identity. My mission is powerful, and now I have even more time to dedicate to serving that mission (and plan a wedding while I'm at it).

So thank you, each and every one of you that reads this, that has supported me all along the way and has shown me love in such beautiful gestures. It's because of that support, love and faith that I can say I am finished with this stage of my journey, and am incredibly happy with the new, healthy and refreshed person I am.

It's not over, it really is just a new beginning and a time to fight for other young high-risk women to have a louder voice in the world. I don't have to be scared (for long at least) that the person I am is changed, but proud of who I have been and am now, because that pride is something that can carry forward.

So I hope you continue to follow the next steps of my journey, because as I said, there is much more to share, and much, much more to come.

Xoxo, Molly

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” - Maya Angelou

Is it well with your soul?

Now that we're all recovered from our holiday food and drink hangovers, the infamous new year's resolutions are taking the forefront of every topic of conversation. I'm a sucker for a positive outlook and striving to do better, but after the last year, and with what's coming in the next year, I'm also realizing it's so much more than becoming a health nut or promising this year's the year to be the perfect you. During an awesome church service Sunday discussing your bright future this year, and in which they sang one of the best songs, I got a little sidetracked thinking of what my own new year's resolution would be and what I wanted to change in my life. But, wholeheartedly, for me this year it's about doing what makes me a better person, inside and out, and most importantly, what leaves me feeling that what I do and who I become is well with my soul.

Feeling healthier instead of losing weight We've all seen it the last few days. The overcrowded gyms with newcomers wanting to get in shape in 2015, the Groupon emails with gym discounts. It's everywhere. And hey, if the new year and the blasts of gym commercials on TV are what make you get motivated, all the power to you. But for me, it's not that I necessarily feel like I need more motivation (although the hundreds of appetizers and glasses of wine I consumed over the holidays should be reason enough) it's really the desire to take a step back and find what's going to make me feel the healthiest. I'm getting married in T-141 days, so am I wanting to kick it into full gear and be at the gym as much as possible between now and then? Absolutely. But my resolution, and goal in general, is to feel healthy, because I really believe that feeling healthy leads to feeling happy. I'd be doomed if I unwillingly went to the gym every single day, rather than going when I can and want to 3-4 times a week, and pairing that with eating healthy at every possible occasion. Because let's be honest, I enjoy sleeping in every now and then, and I very much enjoy going out for dinner and drinks, so it's all in moderation. And that balance is how I intend to live this year, and feeling good about it all along the way.

Being nicer instead of being perfect I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't want to be perfect. I think it's an inherent instinct in (most of) us to want to do everything in our power to be perfect. But does that necessarily make you happy? Is that a realistic goal? For me at least, no way. I'll never be perfect, but I sure can improve. And one way in which I intend to improve this year is to be nicer. Nicer to the people close to me and nicer to those I come in contact with that I may not even know. If there's one thing I learned during the last year, it's how much inspiration a positive person can give to you. When I had tough moments last year, I had the most incredible people in my life to infect me with positivity, and even cooler, I had people that I had never met before or really ever connected with prior to, that sent me such nice, caring and sincere words and thoughts, and that, was really awesome. So instead of feeling unsuccessful when I reach 2016 that I wasn't able to perfect every little thing in my life, I'm hoping to use the next year to succeed in the goal of just being a genuinely nicer person. And hey, maybe it'll even spread some positivity to others around me.

Giving more instead of needing to get more Who doesn't think at the first of a new year that they'd like to "get" more? Whether it's getting more money, getting more possessions, getting big things like a house, a new car, a new job? I think it's incredibly natural to think of ways you can get more from the new year, but my goal, and this is going to be a hard one, is to emphasize more on giving, than what I want to get. It's not just wanting to give money to charity, or give my time for volunteering, but also giving myself and my time to others. In a most general sense, I want to give more time to my family and to Kevin. I admittedly and so easily get wrapped up with what everyone else is doing ,where everyone else is going, and it's a tough cycle of anxiety and sometimes feeling defeated. When in reality, I have what should be the greatest year of my life ahead of me, and so much to be grateful for and to celebrate. And in a more specific sense, I want to continue giving myself to church. I've become more of a regular attender, than a once-a-month attendee (which can be hard as a mid-twenties social butterfly, even when you grew up going every week!), and I can absolutely see a correlation in my happiness and attitude, to the time I give to go to church on Sunday mornings. Hopefully there are many more ways I'll find to give this year, but I'll start with these. I'm all about being realistic here!

So who am I to preach? I'm still learning, I'm not perfect and I definitely have room for improvement in all aspects of my life. But, I do think we all can use positive ideas sometimes, especially those that may strike a cord or light a vision in us that can positively impact our lives and the lives of those around us. So I hope you can shine your light in 2015, and better yet, shine that light unto others around you.

Make it well with your soul today, and every day of 2015. Xoxo! Molly

Throwback Thursday: The importance of Xmas traditions, giving and endless celebrations

'Tis the most wonderful time of year upon us, and I have to admit I still have a little of the Christmas blues. It truly may not have been until after my dad passed away that I realized he was a big part in my obsession with the Christmas season. We really did, and still do, make Christmas a big deal in the Essell household. Admittedly, my sister and I have been incredibly spoiled every year since we can remember, but it wasn't without appreciation for what we have, our family and the holiday season, and we have our dad to thank for that. He loved Christmas. The whole idea of it, and everything that went into the crazy season. And he definitely did it up big each and every year, even the last few when he wasn't feeling the best, we still made it as big of a deal. And wow, do I appreciate that now looking back. But with fun memories sometimes comes sadness that he's no longer here. It's hard not sharing this season with him, and all the traditions that come this month. So to get myself out of the Christmas blues, I'm going to self-medicate with sharing memories of why Scott Essell truly had the best Christmas spirit. Traditions! The biggest and best tradition our family has is getting our Christmas tree at Big Tree Plantation. We don't go down the road to pick up a tree at any old place. We go to a legitimate Christmas tree farm about 30 minutes away to physically cut down our tree. Even during years when my dad was sick and not physically able to help cut down the tree, we'd have his friend or our grandparents come and help. It didn't stop even through his illness. If anything, it was more of a reason to get ourselves out in the cold and make it happen. To many people the whole thing probably seems a bit extreme, but for us, it is a Christmas must! It's a tradition that has its own hilarious story each year. When Olivia was younger, she used to cry when we didn't cut down the one of her choice. One time she slipped on the ice and fell in mud during one of her tantrums, and I will never, ever forget how hard we all laughed. This year, Jenny, Olivia, Kevin and I tried endlessly to cut down our tree with a dull saw, until some poor family next to us came over and offered their electric saw and helped us out. I really kid you not, every year something hysterical happens and even when there are tears, we end the day in laughter. I really do believe my dad is smiling down the whole time knowing we're continuing on the tradition.

The joy of giving! Like I said, my dad did Christmas up big. In life in general, he had a "work hard, play hard" mentality that I definitely have picked up. He worked very hard and always wanted the absolute best for his three girls. I know now the reason the three of us still make Christmas a big deal is because of how much he loved it and always wanted us to enjoy every minute. But it wasn't just about material gifts, he truly enjoyed giving. On the last Thanksgiving we all had together, we took a trip to Chicago to go Christmas shopping (yet again, testament to how much he loved this season, willingly spending a weekend of shopping with his girls). On Black Friday, Olivia and I wanted to sleep in a bit, but he got up and went to stand in line at the Apple store at 6 a.m. because he wanted to get iPods. Not for himself or for us, but for his employees at the hospital. I'm so glad I could have someone like him in my life that not only taught me to work hard, but to enjoy the act of giving.

And on his last Christmas, which looking back I should have realized it probably was going to be his last, but really I treated it like any other, he gave his girls the best gift of all. He had three presents wrapped up that he had us all open at the same time. (I tear up still every time telling this story, so prepare the tissues.) Each of us opened a framed picture, and while we opened it he said each of them were how he wanted us individually to remember him. Olivia's was a picture of the two of them decked out in luau gear, at a father-daughter dance. Mine was a picture of him standing next to his bike, with a huge (rare) smile on his face. And Jenny's was a picture of his legs, a few years back, because he wanted her to remember how strong he was. Without anything else needing to be said, he was the best gift giver and we are so forever grateful.

Celebrations! Selfishly, I mean the celebration of birthdays, and mine specifically. My love and obsession for Christmas is also because my birthday happens to be Christmas Eve. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked in my life if I hate it because it's so close to the holiday, but I've never been able to say yes. All of my parents and family have always made sure my birthday is not overshadowed by the big day. I sometimes feel bad for Kevin because there's just no way around it, for the rest of my life, I will expect Christmas and Christmas Eve to be separate (both made a big deal) days and occasions. I just can't get over it. But it's the memories celebrating my birthday with my dad and my family that I have to treasure. Half the time we'd celebrate my birthday early in December so that it was all separate. And to this day, God forbid I don't have a Bonbonerie cake for my birthday. I get the best feeling of nostalgia seeing "Happy Birthday Molly" in purple icing on an opera creme cake because it reminds me so genuinely of my dad and all the Bonbonerie treats we shared over my childhood. So basically, I'm blaming my dad for my birthday obsession too, in a very good way. Because I know I will be just like him and hopefully one day be able to spoil a little one and make them feel like the most special person in the world, like he did to me each year.

And with that, I feel better already. It's hard to admit sometimes that I can get so down this time of year, missing him, when I know he would want me to have a season full of love and laughter. So with that, I'm changing my tune and will use this to spread some holiday cheer to all of you.

During the hustle and bustle of this hectic season, I hope you can remember to hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. You never know when it's going to be the last, but you sure can make the most out of the present. And if you're in the same boat as me, missing a loved one even more this time of year, I wish you a season of peaceful memories.

Merry Christmas! Xoxo, Molly

Can we all get along? Why I think even Melissa Etheridge & I should be friends.

I'll start by saying, I originally wrote something about this topic earlier in the week, and I'm glad I held off, calmed down and reflected on the bigger issue to be addressed before posting. When it comes down to it, I was angry. Angry about an article that I got a hold of this week that discusses why there is some backlash for singing superstar Melissa Etheridge and some things she said in a recent interview for AARP Magazine. As we all know, she is one of the most acclaimed musicians of our time, and as some may not know, also a breast cancer survivor. I don't know too much about her or listen to her music, but I do remember in 2013 when she came out making remarks about Angelina Jolie's decision to have a preventative double mastectomy. Her description of Angelina's decision: "I wouldn't call it the brave choice. I actually think it's the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer." Clearly she and I have some differing views. But whatever, everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I, of all people, understand that. But she is at it again with her recent comments. In late September, AARP Magazine came out with an article featuring Etheridge and friend and co-breast cancer survivor Sheryl Crow. In this article, Etheridge, who, this is the biggest kicker, is a carrier of the BRCA2 mutation herself, was asked if women should be tested for the genetic mutation. Her response: "I have the BRCA2 mutation, but I don't encourage women to get tested. Genes can be turned on or off. I turned my gene on with my very poor diet."

Now do you see why my anger kicked in? This is ridiculous! Literally no other word to describe it. Completely ridiculous.

So first things first. This is an inaccurate statement, which she is now retracting because of the backlash flooding in from organizations that support high-risk women. Genes 100% cannot be turned on or off. Absolutely, diet, exercise, environment, many factors can affect one's health, but you cannot turn your genetic mutation "off." Giving the idea to a woman, genetically predisposed, that she doesn't need to be concerned with her high-risk if she lives a healthy lifestyle, could be deadly. And personally, it's insulting to me. I consider myself healthy, but I'm also informed, aware and thoughtful of my health, and luckily know that my gene can't be "turned off."

So after I controlled my anger about this ridiculous, very weird statement, the real issue at hand sets in. Is it a survivor/previvor thing? Is it a "I fought a hard fight and you just were scared of the odds" thing? I do think Previvors are getting more publicity these days after people like Angelina Jolie's public decision, but do Previvors deserve to be recognized? Deserve to be praised? I'm biased because I am one, and a proud one at that. It wasn't an easy process and I truly feel like I came out on top. But as negative comments like Etheridge's get attention, do breast cancer fighters and survivors want to recognize the newly proclaimed Previvor? The Angelina Jolie to their Susan G. Komen? I'm not sure. It's probably easier to give positive praise to women, especially young, courageous 25-year-old women like me, for stepping up and being proactive with their health. But is it harder for them to yell out, "Stop with the Previvor, proactive BS!" because we're the lucky ones, the ones able to know about our risk before it turns cancerous, and before we have to become a fighter? I'm not sure either.

As a daughter of someone who lost their life far too soon from the strange and confusing disease of cancer, I would like to say I can understand the selfish anger of "why me" and "why to my family"? And that is absolutely a reason for my proactive surgical measures. I don't want breast cancer survivors to think of me as a cheater, as someone not worthy of any credit. My fight was different and it was one I chose to fight. And for that I say Previvors deserve praise. I, and they, deserve praise for not only choosing to live a healthy and active lifestyle, but to also make decisions, as drastic as they are, to prevent our families from going through the fight as well. We gave up the body part some women even say define them. We chose surgery not because we had to but because we didn't want to have to later on in life. Sure, there's always the chance we never would have gotten sick, but wasn't there also the chance my father would have stayed the healthy cyclist physician, instead of getting terminally ill before he even hit his mid-fifties? Yes. There's always the chance. But for us, we took the chance in our own hands and did what we thought best.

To those who do not understand, I urge you to be sensitive. This personal, life-changing decision wasn't easy and maybe learning about the life of a Previvor can help you see why some decisions require extreme measures. For those of you who are angry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry my extremely personal decision is not what you agree with. I don't agree with a lot of things in life, but in regards to my health and surgical decisions, I will agree to disagree with those who share differing views. And most importantly to those who are fighting or who have fought, even those out there like Melissa Etheridge, you are why I did this and why I want your support. I want the breast cancer community and those mighty strong fighters and survivors to back women like me, back our decision to not allow this horrible disease to interfere with our lives.

What I want the Previvors to remember through this, is that we do not need to be ashamed of the knowledge we choose to have. As I've said before, everyone has comments. You don't have to let them affect you, even if they're from celebrities in nationally published magazines. Remember that in this different fight we're in, we have doctors because we need and trust them for medical expertise, we have activists and organizations that recognize our need for a voice, and trust me that we have and can be our own advocates, because most importantly, we need the support.

Hugs today. Xoxo, Molly

Throwback Thursday: The depth of friendship is not determined by the length of acquaintance

If you can even believe it, this morning was my six month post-op appointment with my breast surgeon. It's impossible not to use this as a time to reflect on the last six months and how I am where I am today: happy, healthy and healing. Self-affirmation and kind words from those around me are always nice to remind me how far I've come, but today it's really about recognizing those, sometimes unexpected, friends who have carried me through my recovery and now my mission to spread the word of proactive health. There are so many who have impacted my life in the most positive ways, and below are a few groups of people who deserve all of my unending gratitude.

Doctors

I truly feel like I've had a connection with Dr. Shaughnessy from the very beginning. My first visit with her, I quickly found she reminded me a lot of my dad, as a medical professional and in her demeanor. Direct, and to the point. Aggressive in her surgical options and not one to leave things up for chance. In the end, why I had so much trust in her and went with her and her team, even if it seemed a little scary at the beginning. The first visit ended in an emotional breakdown, I think because I was realizing how real it all was, and what was going to have to happen to remove every last chance of breast cancer we could. But, after my mom (even though I told her not to) asked her to come back in and talk me down, all was well and she immediately proved how gentle and caring she would be to me throughout the whole process. I was able to respect her knowledge and advice, and obviously things went even better than well. No complications, beating all expectations, and I'm very happy she came into my life when she did. I consider her now a friend and someone I will keep in touch with, doctors appointments or not.

Coworkers

When I started my current job, a lot of my coworkers described the department as a family, and a group that is above all, family-oriented and supportive. That could not be a truer statement. I have gained some incredible friends through the last two years and am so, so very fortunate that through the last year, I've been supported by them both in and out of the office. From the (R.I.P.) Bruegger's runs, to covering for me while I was out, to sending me hilarious cards, care packages and words of encouragement, I can 100% say that I have the best coworkers. I am so lucky to spend eight hours a day with a group so supportive.

Faith-sharers

I grew up in church. My childhood was spent going to youth group and on mission trips every summer. I truly think I am the person I am today because of my church family and especially those trips every year that taught me who I am, who I want to be and how God can play such an active and positive role in my life. The truth is, living in Mt. Lookout, the 20 minute drive to Montgomery to go to church on Sundays was just not working out. Laziness? Probably. But, after an invite to attend church with two friends in Oakley, I found myself attending more and more and finding a church community that could fill my new neighborhood void. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter to me where I'm physically attending on Sundays, but the feeling I get after leaving a service and having a connection with God. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: I believe God puts everyone in your life for a reason, and especially at a time when you need them. I'm thankful for my faith-sharing friends and their willingness to let me be a part of their Sundays. And aside from my church-goers, I also have to acknowledge the beautiful friends in my life who jam out to K-LOVE with me, have given me devotionals in times of need and continue to pray for me. God is good!

Friends, old & new

I have a few girlfriends, you know who you are, who absolutely always text me the day I put out a blog and continually give me motivation, praise and reassurance. I am SO thankful for you BFFs because you keep me going! I have my friends that are constantly sharing my posts, leaving awesome comments and pumping me up each and every week. My Syca-Chick girlfriends have been my backbone of support for so many years and continue to show me their love to this day. I don't know many people who can say their bridesmaids and to-this-day best friends are all high school friends. We are blessed beyond belief, gfs. My Bobcat girlfriends have always and will always be so special to me and whenever we get together, I am filled with such happiness from all the laughs we continue to share. And last but certainly not least, I have the absolute best group of friends here in Cincinnati that came into my life just a few years ago and have been the ultimate best support system for both myself and Kevin. I can't begin to describe how lucky and grateful I am to have people like you around me. I'm tearing up just thinking about how much you all mean to me!

No matter when and how people come into your life, it's worth taking the time to appreciate the power of friendship. There is always something to be thankful for, and you, my friends, are it.

Xoxo, Molly

Where do you hide your scars?

Kevin said something to me this week that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. It was Tuesday, and we're both lucky to have off bank holidays so we spent this Veteran's Day bopping around town, exploring, having drinks at fun breweries and just enjoying each other and the downtime. During a conversation about how far we've come since my first surgery, we started talking about scars. I was reminiscing about how nervous I was to go on vacation this summer because even just being with our closest friends, I was scared to have my scars so close to the surface. Kevin simply and genuinely said, "You shouldn't worry about your scars anymore. At all." And then the deeper thoughts set in. What scars am I still so scared of? What scars do I still try to hide? And the kicker of them all: where do I hide my scars? If the one person closest to me, that's gone through it all right by my side, isn't worried about my scars, why still am I?

I have my fair share of physical scars. Heck, I have scars under both arms just from the drains I had in for 7 days. Nonetheless the unspoken inch and a half across both sides of my chest. Physically, they've gotten so much better. There's no physical pain associated with them, they physically look less scary and to be quite honest, I'm pretty used to them now. But emotionally, I'm still scared of them sometimes. Not in a "what do people think of me" kind of way, but in regards to my future and my future family. A lot of people, including myself, choose to focus on the positive outcomes of a preventative surgery like mine. And that's what I strive to do each and every day. But through my journey, I think it's important to point out that every day isn't always easy. There are still times when I'm self-conscious, and there are absolutely still times that I'm sad I had to deal with the whole thing in general.

My scars don't define me. I truly believe that. But I want other young women to know that it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be worried and more importantly it's okay to admit your scars can scare you every now and then.

Aside from physical scars, I still very much hide the scars of grief from time to time. I don't think I'll ever have a day where I don't think about my dad and how much I miss him. Losing him was by far the worst and hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. It was a whirlwind of three really hard years of him struggling, and has been another extremely hard three years since losing him. Grief is funny sometimes in that we can so easily hide and disguise it with the happy memories we have from the past, but the truth is it's still there.

I think the word "hide" tends to have a negative connotation, but for me, sometimes the act of "hiding" has been a positive resource. These days, I hide my scars of grief behind my journey to promote the knowledge of preventative health and use what my dad gave me as an outlet for my grief. It helps me to know that I can hide some of my pain in order to help possibly save someone else's life by telling my story. It may not be right in everyone's eyes, but it's right for me right now.

Most importantly, I hide my scars of the last six months behind my writing. In high school I thought I wanted to be a high school English teacher so that I could help students become better at something I was passionate about from such a young age. In college, I chose journalism, even more fine-tuning my writing skills. But it wasn't until right now, at this very time in my life when I realized this skill and hobby I've had for so many years would be what would save me. It's given me an outlet that's brought pride to what could have seemingly been the most painful time of my life, and if not for anyone else, I write for myself. To make myself feel better and in hopes I'll touch just one person. And just for that reason, I'm okay with hiding.

I hide behind my scars because it's what allows me to be brave and move forward. Hiding isn't always cowardly. Sometimes it's just what you have to do to move forward.

Xoxo, Molly

Being the engaged mastectomy girl: Wedding planning with a totally doable twist

My fiancé Kevin and I got engaged on a random Thursday night this past March. The best part is that it was totally one of those moments where you kind of black out and don't really remember what is going on, but I do remember calling all my girlfriends and saying "OMG I just got engaged at 5:30 p.m. on a Thursday!" Not only was it a random Thursday in March, but it was also just two weeks and a few days shy of my first surgery date. So unknowingly at the time, I became not just the 25-year-old having the double mastectomy, but the engaged 25-year-old having the mastectomy. It was something that somehow managed to fascinate people around me, and was also the absolute best distraction at the absolute best possible time. (Props to Kev on timing that one up just right.)

And so the shuffling began. Managing wedding planning and surgery, and then recovering, while still wedding planning. So we celebrated for two weeks, and then got into surgery mode. Looking back it all went so fast that I'm not sure I realized the full extent of life's craziness until now, but I'd do it all over again. What better of a time to be surrounded by friends, family and supporters?

So what did I learn from this process? That's the important part. There were many lessons I stumbled upon through the course of being the engaged double mastectomy girl (still am, so keep 'em coming), and this is one of those posts I hope some awesome chick out there either contemplating or going through a preventative surgery like mine can find and take comfort in. Because your engagement is supposed to be fun! And it totally is, even if you're going through a trying time. And it also goes for those that may not have a significant other in their lives yet and worry about having the surgery before finding love. I want to guarantee you there are men out there who will love you, scars and all, and planning your future wedding will be a piece of cake after you've conquered your high-risk.

What I want you to remember:

No one needs to know, or can tell from the outside, unless you want them to I am a prime example of this. You would be surprised that after going through an 8+ hour surgery, a night in the hospital and having horrible drains in you for a week, after week two or three of recovery, no one can really tell by looking at you on the outside. The first wedding venues I looked at, I went to during my initial recovery. I got myself together, put on some makeup, straightened my hair, and no one would have ever known what I was going through. It was a confidence booster for me. To get out and about and be "the bride" looking at venues, with the wedding coordinators not having a clue. I just want women to know that. It's not a scarlet letter you're wearing on your chest. You're still the same chick, in my case engaged chick, that you were before. Don't let your surgery, your recovery, the scars, anything define you. Because at the end of the day, you're still you and a little self-pride can do you well.

People in the wedding industry have seen it all This is phenomenal to me! I was so, so fortunate to have two of my awesome friends Grace and Anne make me an appointment at KLEINFELD'S in NYC while I was in the city for a trip earlier this summer. I mean, going to Kleinfeld's is every engaged chick's dream. And here I was living it! Aside from the hilariousness of the place itself, the crazy women inside and the extreme amount of bridal gowns everywhere, what I took away from this experience was how unfazed they were at my current situation. Before we began the process of picking gowns for me to try on, I awkwardly spoke up and said "Umm there's something I think I should tell you." The woman working with us looked at me and said, "Honey, that doesn't bother me one bit, I've seen it all." And seriously acted like I was the crazy one for thinking it was a big deal. Her and her assistant put me in and out of dresses like I was any other woman in there, and that made me feel so at ease. It was the weekend before my "exchange" surgery, so my expanders were at their fullest, AKA most uncomfortable, stage, yet these women put me in dresses and made me feel completely beautiful. It didn't matter what I was going through on the inside; I was a beautiful bride-to-be that day.

Remember why you're engaged, and don't ever stop celebrating that Engagement is about the love between the two of you. Not just you. Not just him. And this was something I had to remind myself. I was the one having the dramatic few months, with hospitals and attention, but the engagement and wedding planning process helped me remember why I deserved some extra positivity even through the pain and hard days. We're getting married! We're planning what will be the best day and night of our lives! And that is worth celebrating every day, whether you're in pain from the expanders or not. Having my wedding to plan and look forward to 100% got me through my recovery. Sure, planning a wedding comes with a bit of drama and tough decisions, but at the end of the day, I'm the luckiest girl in the world and I had Kevin by my side to celebrate every day.

I am so blessed to have the next six months to continue celebrating my engagement, future wedding and the life we have to look forward to. I may be that chick who had the double mastectomy right now, but at the end of the day, I'm still just thrilled to be Kevin's fiancé .

Xoxo, Molly

Deciding that louder awareness is greater than quiet praise, and why I don't read the comments.

Let's start with this: I know I put myself and my story out there. I 100% acknowledge that I, very willingly, shared with media outlets big and small my decision to have preventative surgery and my journey since. Now, since I've made that clear, I also 100% acknowledge that there are some real crazies out there. And especially when you are dealing with the Internet. I decided to write about this topic of sharing your story, the media that shares it and what you can do to move beyond negativity because I think it is really relevant to anyone who feels passionate for a cause and wants to shout it from the rooftops, rather than sit quietly. And when it comes down to it, it's up to asking yourself one question: is the attention and awareness you're spreading bigger than the (sometimes ignorant and negative) crazies in the world? For me, the answer is astoundingly no short of "hell yes." From the moment I posted my first blog, I was overwhelmed by not only gratitude for all the love I was receiving, but also by the extreme amount of confidence I was feeling in myself. Confidence is something I've struggled with in the past, maybe not outwardly, but through different stages in my life, so to feel a new confidence come from within, it was a strangely new feeling that I was immensely proud of. I could have kept quiet, shared it with a few close friends, but deciding to speak out and loudly about my mission has proven to be the best decision I have ever made.

Now to the media. The whole joke of the matter is that I work in marketing and advertising and have an educational background in journalism and public relations. So should I have seen all this coming? Yes, and I did. And I absolutely know that by putting your story out there for the world, you open yourself up to criticism. But the tricky part is remembering to have thick skin when people react either negatively or just have differing views and opinions. Because that does happen, and I think always will. It's part of why my story is unique. Not many young women go through a preventative surgery like mine, but that's part of my mission; to spread awareness for something that could save a life, and especially for those that were unaware or in fear of the information I sought out and used to be proactive.

I'm fortunate that I have had incredibly supportive people in the media help share my story. My first interview with Sheree from Channel 5 was just wonderful and she was so, so sweet to me through the entire process. Obviously my experience shooting the TV commercial for UC Health was just as wonderful and in such a supportive environment. And by far the most rewarding experience was my quick few minute interview with Lynn Berry from HLN. I ended that Skype interview in such awe of her compassion and just flat out praise for my mission to share my story.

So where does any negativity come in? The comments. There are a lot of people out there that have strong opinions and also like to share them from behind their computer screen. And that can be very hard, and I can promise you that I have to force myself not to read too much into them, or read them at all. Someone told me recently, and it was genius, that it's like being a celebrity and knowing they shouldn't read what was said about them in USWeekly. Now, I'm no celeb, but it is totally applicable. Celebrities know that people will find something to be negative about for everything, and it's just not worth it. So do I. It's a balancing act between respecting that everyone has an opinion and it's perfectly acceptable for others to not share yours, and also knowing that it may not be worth causing yourself any pain to always read everything they have to say.

So what can you do: Surround yourself by positive people, praise and environments. Embrace those who support you and your mission, whatever it may be. It's those people who will remind you why you're fighting for what you're fighting for, and never let you forget it. Soak in all the accomplishments you receive and applause you collect along the way. Happiness does wonders on the soul. And lastly, put yourself in environments that bring out the best in you. You will not be able to please everyone or gain everyone's support. That's just life. But you can be the best you can be and do the best you can possibly do, in your own world. And sometimes that is enough to fend off any negative vibes.

So for me, I'll keep striving to spread awareness for high-risk young women, no matter what a random Internet crazy comments. And for all of you who are passionate for a special cause in your heart, I hope you keep fighting for what you believe in and finding it in yourself and from those who support you, to keep on keepin' on.

Xoxo, Molly

Because, YOLO: Being Queen Bee for the day!

"It's better in life to look back and say 'I can't believe I did that' than to look back and say 'I wish I did that.'" Tomorrow I will be participating in my second half marathon. The Cincinnati Queen Bee is a women-focused half and 4-miler, and tomorrow is the inaugural race. More importantly, tomorrow is MY inaugural race with my new body, and fresh outlook on life. Flash back to spring of 2013 and my first half marathon. It was something myself and a few friends did together and was awesome, but it definitely wasn't easy. (I'm waiting for Maria to read this and text me asking if I've lost my mind!) But let's get real, if I can deal with two surgeries in six months, I can run a few hours on a Saturday morning.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on running the whole thing or breaking any records, and I really haven't had a ton of time to train (physically and in regards to my more-important social calendar) since I've been cleared to get back to regular workouts, so I'll be doing the best I possibly can by run/walking it. Since I was able to start going back to the gym, I've tried my best to make working out more of a fun routine. Dragging friends to the gym at 6 a.m. so we can gossip while stair-stepping, going on walks with a BFF and her dog to Coffee Emporium on Fridays and running outside or at the gym on the treadmill as a way to decompress from a long day while listening to a lot of Mat Kearney. It's been fun, and kept me in pretty good shape. So really, why not take on another half marathon?

When it comes down to it, my reason for doing it is both simple and admittedly selfish: to show myself that I can. I want to show myself, and other young women who may be in similar shoes, that the surgical decisions I made in the last year did not take away my ability to stay in shape, be healthy or the possibility of coming out on top. You don't have to bounce back to win triathlons or climb mountains, but having a goal and sticking to it can be as rewarding as the medal at the end of the race.

So wish me luck that this simple, selfish idea of mine proves successful. But hey, a little self affirmation never hurt anyone. #YOLO

Xoxo, Molly

To all the Previvors: today is our day.

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. " -Maya Angelou It's October 1st, and I think, and hope, you all know by now that this means it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Most of you know I'm a diehard Today Show watcher, and as soon as I turned it on this morning I was taken over by pink. Matt's ribbon, Carson transforming the Orange Room into Pink Power city and Joan Lunden as a special guest taking breast cancer questions via Facebook. Pink was awesomely everywhere by 7 a.m. I loved it.

This year, Breast Cancer Awareness Month has a different meaning for me. For my life, breast cancer awareness has turned into educating, sharing and opening the conversation on the breast cancer Previvor (capitalizing because I think we are cool enough to have that title). And guess what, it's not only the beginning of this pink-filled month, today is also National Previvor Day! It may be the lesser-known national day during this month, but it's the one that I hold the most dear.

So let's start Breast Cancer Awareness Month with a pink bang, and remember that knowledge is power. Being a Previvor doesn't mean you have to take surgical matters or know right now what you want to do, but is does mean that you're aware of your risk, and you have the power to be proactive and live a healthy lifestyle. For me, being a Previvor means using my knowledge to stay proactive, preventative and most importantly, to be confident enough to share my knowledge and my story with the world. Because helping one person, being a role model to one person or just touching one person's life in some small way, could save a life.

So here's to you Previvors, and the courage it takes to have the knowledge of your risk and do all you can to prevent your chances of developing breast cancer. Let's be proud in our fancy name. Today is our day. Because knowledge is power. And having that power is something to be proud of.

Xoxo, Molly

In the Genes: Knowing and identifying your risk for ovarian cancer

When I talk about my BRCA genetic mutation, I'm usually referencing the increased risk for breast cancer. While this is the biggest increased risk for BRCA carriers, it's not the only one. This month is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. And because of this, I want to raise awareness about this "silent killer," the risk that BRCA carriers have and what you can do to be proactive with your ovarian health. Ovarian cancer is commonly referred to as a "silent killer" because 60% of diagnosed patients are already in stage 3 at the time of diagnosis. It's different than other cancers, like breast cancer, because there isn't yet a screening process to detect the disease. A common misconception is that your annual appointment with your OBGYN and your annual Pap test is "screening." Unfortunately, there is no effective screening (seems crazy, I know), and although going to your annual appointment is still a smart action plan, there's more to it when it comes to being proactive and self-aware.

I'm no doctor but I'm going to make a bold, and what I believe to be an accurate statement: the key to surviving ovarian cancer is early detection. And in most cases, this is by self-identifying and not ignoring the symptoms. Let's start with what those symptoms are most commonly shown through, for any woman, not just those with a BRCA mutation:

• Bloating
• Pelvic or abdominal pain
• Difficulty eating or feeling full quickly
• Feeling the need to urinate urgently or frequently
• Upset stomach or heartburn
• Back pain
• Fatigue
• Constipation
• Menstrual changes

Now, I know I have a lot of hypochondriac friends out there reading this, so I'm not wanting to freak anyone out by giving out a list of symptoms that can be common in some women (who don't necessarily have anything wrong with them). I'll let WebMD be the one to freak you all out. But, I do think it is extremely important to know these symptoms and identify them in yourself if they last longer than two or three weeks. Because if so, it is recommended you see your medical professional. It could be nothing, but it could be what saves your life.

Now specifically for chicks with a BRCA inherited mutation like myself, some important things to note: Unfortunately, the BRCA mutation can increase your risk for ovarian cancer anywhere from 15 to 40 percent. But, as I will say time and time again, having the knowledge of your increased risk can give you the power of being proactive, in whichever way you choose. And even if we still do not have a way to screen for this disease, there ARE some identified ways that appear to reduce your risk of developing ovarian cancer. They are:

• Oral contraception (especially in those that have used for 5 or more years)
• Breast feeding and pregnancy
• Hysterectomy (this is not for everyone, but if you have a known increased risk, it can be a preventative surgical way to greatly reduce risk)
• Prophylactic oophorectomy (also not for everyone, but for high-risk women, the removal of the ovaries eliminates the risk of ovarian cancer)

For me, I have a very aggressive and proactive GYN. His plan, that started even before I was engaged, was that I was to start popping out babies as soon as possible, to a) decrease my risk, and b) allow me to seriously consider surgical options like a prophylactic oophorectomy. It's something I know I'll do when the time is right, but again, that's a very personal decision, that comes with a lot of changes in my body that I'll have to deal with (menopause, for one, in my thirties does not sound appealing, but hey, I survived the mastectomy in my twenties). It'll be a family-oriented decision, because believe it or not, in just 8 months, I'll be Molly McKnight, and hopefully down the road I'll be mother Molly McKnight with cute little Irish red head kids, so my decision will take action when it's the right time for my family. The point is, I'm able to make such decisions because I have the knowledge to be proactive if I choose to do so.

I'll get off my proactive soapbox and reiterate just one more thing. This disease is the deadliest gynecologic disease that is out there. All women are at risk, and it can attack at any age. So please, be aware and conscious of your body. It can save your life.

Xoxo, Molly

Please note: I am 100% not a medical professional, so if you want specific medical advice or expertise, go see your doctor. But if you want friendly conversation, or have questions you're not ready to go your doctor with yet, I'm your girl, and will help in whatever way I can.

Resources: http://www.ovarian.org/ http://www.brightpink.org/

In the Genes: Preparing to meet with a genetic counselor

So maybe you're reading my blog because by default, you have to. You're a friend, family member or random Facebook friend that keeps being inundated with The Molly Effect. BUT, for any of you that may have caught wind of my blog because you can relate, know someone who has battled breast cancer or are at high-risk yourself or know a friend or love one that is, this post is for you. Finding out, or deciding you would like to find out, if you're at high-risk for breast cancer can come to you in multiple ways. What I've found is the most common discovery is from young women whose mother, grandmother, aunt, etc. have had breast or ovarian cancer, and are looking at their family history with a bit of worry. While this is common, it's not the only way you can be faced with your high-risk history. For me, it was my dad getting sick, and specifically that they could not find out why or with what. There was a known family history of breast cancer in my family, but it wasn't openly discussed, or at least not when I was younger. But truth be told, once we mapped out the family tree, there were just too many instances of women on my dad's side of the family that had been faced with breast cancer.

Everyone's situation is unique, and I'm constantly reminding people that the choice is personal. Just because I saw the high-risk in my family and chose to dig deeper with genetic testing, doesn't mean that's right for everyone. And that is 100% OK. As much of a supporter I am for the decision I made, I would never recommend it to someone who wasn't absolutely sure yet.

But if you are sure, and you want to move forward with finding more information about your risk for breast cancer and/or the BRCA genetic mutation, one of the first steps you can take is to meet with a genetic counselor. I'll start by saying my experience was really, really great. I met with an awesome genetic counselor that did a wonderful job of explaining what was a completely unknown thing to me, in a way that made me feel as at ease as possible (when it really could have freaked me out even more).

So below is a list of three things I recommend to consider, think about or take with you to your first meeting with a genetic counselor. And if you're not there yet and just want to talk to someone over the phone, or read more about it online in the comfort of your home, I've included some links and contact info as well. It can be a scary thing to take this step, but I can personally say that knowledge is power, no matter what you do with it. Carpe diem, friends!

1. Your family tree Chances are, you do not have a family tree mapped out on a piece of paper at home listing all the members of your family and the ages that they have had cancer, or at least it's not something you refer to often. But here's the thing, that family history can be some serious ammo in your fight for being proactive with your health. Not only will the genetic counselor want to see this to gauge your risk, it's also a triggering point to begin the conversation with family members. Maybe breast cancer is taboo in your family and a subject rather not discussed. Asking your mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, whomever, to sit down with you and chart out the family members before you who have been diagnosed with cancers (not just breast) can lead to more open conversations about your individual risk and the disease itself. This can help if you decide to take more actionable steps later on.

2. Your personal medical history and ancestry If you personally have been diagnosed with breast, ovarian cancer or another form of cancer, this can help navigate your risk for carrying the BRCA gene, along with the knowledge of what, if any, of your relatives have been diagnosed as well. Aside from past cancer diagnoses, there is also a correlation between the genetic mutation and being of Ashkenazi Jewish ancestry. The genetic counselor will want to know this right away to help assess your risk.

3. A support system! This is totally my personal opinion, but I believe that having some type of support system with you during this process can immensely help overall. Whether that be a mom, dad, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend or supportive friend, don't feel weird if you want to bring someone with you to the meeting. Sometimes it's hard to take in all the information you're given when you're feeling overwhelmed, and it can be nice to have someone else in the room taking notes or listening with a different perspective, while also being there as a support for you. And hey, if you can't think of anyone you'd be able to take, I volunteer to be your supporter. You can do this!

Resources:

Bright Pink, http://www.brightpink.org/ Education resources, workshops, tools, high-risk networking

Genetic Testing in the Cincinnati Area:

Cincinnati Children's, http://www.cincinnatichildrens.org/service/h/human-genetics/resource-center/ St. Elizabeth, http://www.stelizabeth.com/cancercare/geneticmutationtesting.aspx

Disclaimer: I am obviously not a medical professional, so please, just take my words as suggestions, from personal experience. As always, there are professionals out there that will be a better medical resource, but if I can ever be of any help in your personal journey, I am here to help.

Throwback Thursday: Mental Toughness

I believe that a big part of growing, learning and developing, especially in your twenties, is to acknowledge your faults or things you could do better at, and strive to do so. For me, I'll admit I haven't always been the strongest when it comes to tough times, emotional situations, etc. Even when I outwardly come off as having it together, it doesn't mean I'm not crying to my family members or Kevin in private. With this, a more comical term, "mental toughness" was born. A large number of my friends have probably heard Kevin yell to me, "ESSELL, MENTAL TOUGHNESS!" whether that be directed toward me "trying harder" to make the bus, complaining about it being cold outside or sucking it up and putting my clothes away now, not two days later. In all seriousness, I need Kevin's nagging every now and then. But it wasn't until the last few months where I really learned how to (allow me to toot my own horn) excel at being mentally tough.

So for anyone out there that's gearing up for a surgical procedure, going through a tough time or even just struggling with things that right now seem unbearable, I give you the Molly Essell & Kevin McKnight Mental Toughness Bootcamp: Three ways you can get yourself into a tough but positive state & get back to thriving ASAP.

1. Eat healthy, be healthy, FEEL healthy

Health is not just defined by the number on the scale or cutting out late night pizza every other weekend. I'm no dietician, but I'm self-aware enough to realize how much better I feel when I've been eating healthy and getting in some exercise. This "feel good"  sensation carries over to my overall mental well-being as well. I'm a much more positive person when I'm feeling healthy. And in turn, able to tackle hardships that come my way with more of an optimistic outlook. Instead of grabbing the ice cream when you're having a bad day, grab some blueberries and go for a walk. Might sound difficult to do but I guarantee turning on the Summer Hits of the 90s Pandora station and getting some fresh air for 30 minutes will do you some good.

2. Think then talk (or write)

Where I used to be more likely to keep problems, angry thoughts, worries in, I now try (and I say try, because I'm not close to perfect yet) to take some time to think about what's bothering me and how I can talk about it. If I'm bothered about a certain person, it's finding a way to articulately form my opinions and discuss with them, instead of internalizing. If I'm bothered by something I did myself, it's talking to a friend about how I can do better, get better or sometimes just move on. If it's something I don't think I can talk about with anyone else, I write it down. Lists can be lifesavers! Get a notebook for your nightstand. Having this idea of addressing the issue, talking (or writing) it out helps me get all the crazy thoughts and ideas out of my head (that let's all admit, come at 2 a.m. and take away all sleep you're desperately trying to get) and instead, feel better after talking it through. So friends, do me a favor this week, and on Sunday, stop the Sunday Scaries by taking out a notebook, writing down your list of things to accomplish on Monday and go to bed early!

3. Set and achieve goals, large or small

I will be the first to say, sometimes you have to accept and celebrate small victories. For me, every Monday morning, I wake up to the conversation of, "So are you making the bus?" (For those that aren't aware, I ride the bus from Mt. Lookout to downtown, what is supposed to be, every day. Most days it's me running out of the apartment, barely making it as it flies down Delta.) So every Monday, I get into the goal setting with Kevin, and myself, on how many days I am going to make the bus. For instance, this week my goal is to take it Tuesday-Friday. I'm on my way to a victory and you better believe I'm going to succeed. The point being, it's little achievements like making the bus that give you a sense of success, and confidence. No one is more mentally tough than a confident, I-can-do-it person. Set some goals, remember the confidence you feel when you achieve them and tackle with toughness the next challenge that comes your way.

You can do it!

Xoxo, Molly

Would you like to join me?

One of the most rewarding aspects of this journey I've been on is feeling that I may be able to impact the lives of women around me, just by sharing my story. Today I simply want to invite you to join me at two upcoming events, specific to the causes that I hold so dear. If you, or someone you know, could benefit from either of these, please pass along the info. It’s my hope that by continuing to share my journey, and the groups and people around me that have helped me along the way, I could help at least one other person. Happy Monday, all! TOMORROW, Tuesday, July 29 at 6 p.m. Bright Pink Cincinnati presents the next experimental outreach event at The Art of Entertaining!

Bright Pink is the only national non-profit organization focusing on the prevention and early detection of breast and ovarian cancer in young women, while providing support for high-risk individuals. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it? And what’s even more awesome is that they put on these really cool, free events for high-risk women, and they have just recently started a group in Cincinnati! I personally have been to one of the previous events and can say it really is a special group to be involved with. This event is at The Art of Entertaining and will be an interactive cooking class, along with a time to chat with other young women about being young and at high risk.

Details: When: Tuesday, July 29, 6-8 p.m. Where: 2019 Madison Rd., Cincinnati, OH 45208 (in O’Bryanville) Who: Young women (ages 18-45) who are at high-risk/have a family history of breast & ovarian cancer Cost: FREE RSVP: To Community@BeBrightPink.org. Have questions? Feel free to email me at mollyessell@gmail.com and I can make sure your questions get to the right individual. More info on Bright Pink can be found here

Saturday, August 9, 1-4 p.m. Susan G. Komen for the Cure Greater Cincinnati affiliate’s Young Professionals presents "Beers for Boobs" at Madtree Brewing

Komen Greater Cincinnati's Young Professionals Committee is a volunteer organization composed of rising young executives and professionals dedicated to our promise to save lives and end breast cancer forever. The YPC's goal is to engage our generation in the culture of philanthropy by developing events and social activities in the Greater Cincinnati community. And this upcoming event at Madtree is sure to be an enjoyable one! It’s apparent in my life every day that breast cancer affects so many people. For me, it’s a cause that I’m personally passionate for and there’s no better way to raise money than by having a good time with friends and drinking some tasty local beer. So, please join me next Saturday, August 9^th at Madtree for beers, socializing and supporting the mission of Komen!

When: Saturday, August 9, 1-4 p.m. Where: 5164 Kennedy Ave, Cincinnati, OH 45213 Who: Anyone & everyone who likes to have fun, drink beer (over 21) & more importantly, wants to support Komen’s mission to end breast cancer forever Cost: $40/ticket, which includes 5 beer tastings and 2 raffle tickets RSVP: Purchase your tickets online, here More info on Komen Cincinnati's YPC can be found here

If you have any questions about either of these events, want more information or just want to chat about getting involved, email me at mollyessell@gmail.com.

Xoxo, Molly

List in Pics: Celebrate we will

Life is funny in that we seem to wait for big, sometimes scary, sometimes surprising, changes to come our way to find reasons to celebrate. We’re reminded in times of sorrow, to celebrate life and those we love, and in times of happiness, to celebrate how fortunate we are. In the last week or so, I’ve had many reasons to celebrate many things: life, engagements, birthdays, even goodbyes. Stepping back and thinking about these celebrations makes me realize even more so how much we have to celebrate, on a daily basis. It’s the little things, like Kevin whipping up breakfast for me before work, coffee breaks with my coworkers during a hectic work day, and a long walk catching up with a great friend, that sometimes merit just as much reason to celebrate.

So for this, below is my latest "list in pics," shown through snapshots, of my many reasons to celebrate lately. And I hope that you join me in finding the little things each day to celebrate. Lord knows we have countless reasons to rejoice. We just need to recognize them as they’re in front of us. Happy Friday, all! (Reason #1 I will give you to celebrate today!)

Xoxo, Molly

My very great friend and roommate of all four years at OU, Rachel, lost her father recently. My heart just hurt for her and her family as they went through this difficult time. What I want to point out, is that I was blown away at his visitation and memorial service. His family and friends celebrated his life in such a beautiful way and showed through their stories how wonderful of a person he was, and the impact he made on so many lives. It made me proud to be Rachel’s friend, seeing her do such a killer job that day, and truly made my heart happy, seeing Marty’s life shining down on all of his children, grandchildren and wife Patty. What a reason to celebrate!

Engagements! My goodness, they always say all your friends start dropping like flies once you reach a certain age, and now I believe it! I am absolutely elated with the news of two of my very best friends’ engagements to their longtime, awesome boyfriends. I love that these two will be going through wedding planning with me, and they are making it 100% clear that the next year is going to be a wild, remarkable ride! Enjoy it, girlfriends! (And you know I’m also secretly lol’ing that you’ll be firsthand experiencing everything I’ve been talking about since March!)

Another reason I love celebrating engagements? It brings friends together! To celebrate Claire and Bryce, we got together and spent a day at the lake. Such a fun day, and naturally for us girlfriends, we made it a just-as-fun night out! Hilariously enough, we went to the nearby Hollywood Casino in Lawrenceburg, IN, and had such a funny, fun time! We hung out with Pitbull and Chris Brown impersonators, danced the night away at Boogie Nights and laughed until we cried at how hysterical it all was. Seriously such an awesome night with old and new friends!

My last appointment with my plastic surgeon! Once again, it is still surreal to me that all this craziness is near over. I had a freaking double mastectomy three months ago and I’m already able to say goodbye to my plastic surgeon?! Hallelujah! I unfortunately have other reasons to say goodbye to Dr. Nguyen. She accepted a job at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN, and is leaving University of Cincinnati Medical Center. Fortunately for me, she was able to finish me up in a timely manner and leave me in good hands at UCMC if I ever need anything else. Naturally, my mom snapped a pic of us before we said goodbye forever! And even more naturally, I ended up seeing her walking her dog the very next day as I was making a Bruegger’s coffee run with a coworker. She just can’t get away from me! In all seriousness, she did such a fabulous job and was a tremendous resource for me through all of this and for that I am very thankful.

Birthdays! It’s probably my fault that Kevin’s birthday always turns into “birthday week.” I LOVE celebrating birthdays. And here’s the deal, I don’t think he minds one bit. We started the bday week with dinner at his parents’ and enjoyed Kevin’s fave, key lime pie. The rest of the week included lunch at Sleepybee’s with Mare on Monday, followed by a night on the town with me that evening, a surprise dinner with all of our friends (thank you to our peeps who really pulled that off well!) Wednesday and yet another birthday dinner last night at Eli’s with Jenny, Liv & Kyle. He sure was spoiled, and deservedly so! The guy has dealt with a whole lot of sh*t the last few months, AND proposed to me this year, so I think he’s allowed an extra special birthday week. Cheers to many more, K-Dawg!

Fourth of July: Freedom for America, & my chest

Fourth of July. A holiday celebrated by Americans, to honor our country and those who protect the one thing we all take for granted, our freedom. This year, my Fourth was truly about celebrating just that, however for different reasons. This past Monday I strolled back into UCMC, this time with much less anxiety and much more confidence, to undergo my last major surgical part of this journey. They commonly call this procedure the "exchange," in which they remove the expanders in my chest, and replace them with implants. I was in surgery just about two hours and was able to come home that evening. If it sounds simple, it's because it is, when compared to the first part of this process. And if it also sounds awesome because I get a nice set of implants out of this whole ordeal, thank you, I very much agree.

Luckily on my part, I was able to have the same anesthesia staff as the first go-around, so everything went just as smoothly on that regard (which I didn't realize was so great until I was struggling to wake up in recovery and could hear the man in the room next to me puking his guts out for 30 minutes. We all know I would not have been able to deal with that, it was grossing me out just listening to it.)

So after an afternoon in the hospital, I was able to leave with the freedom of my expanders being gone forever. In a nut shell, expanders feel like rock-solid bricks. Now think about having bricks in your chest for a few months, and their sole job in your body is to physically expand your skin. Doesn't sound very pleasant, does it? Needless to say, freedom from those bad boys was enough reason to celebrate itself. And to top that, I have an even greater reason to celebrate: the freedom from this surgical stage of my life! With the exception of a planned trip to meet with a world-renowned tattoo artist in January, I am done. As I'm typing this I'm realizing I probably haven't even let that sink in yet. It's really almost done. Months of in and out of recovery, awkwardly-fitting outfits and lack of upper body workouts are finally coming to and end. What word is more fitting than freedom?

Tomorrow I go back to work, after a week of recovering and resting, and can have the peace of mind that I've successfully completed such a huge step. Now, I still have miles of recovery ahead, considering I can't lift anything over 10 pounds and am still having to use my stomach muscles to pull me out of bed, but that's all okay. The light at the end of the tunnel is very much visible at this point.

I hope you all were able to celebrate the Fourth of July with fireworks, cookouts & all things American. Freedom is an unbelievably great feeling to have, and I'm looking forward to enjoying that feeling even more now.

Xoxo, Molly

List in Pics: Weekend getaways for the body & soul

So here's the deal - for two months, I was kind of lame. During recovery, I did a lot of resting, and don't get me wrong, I still am being very conscious of that. But really, I was ready to get the heck out of town and have some fun. Kevin and I are used to constantly being on the go, or "yoloing" if you will. Luckily, the last few weekends have been filled with quick little getaways that have rejuvenated my body and soul! Below are some of my fave pics from my Michigan and NYC trips, and although this past weekend was filled with 12+ hour work days, I was able to see two of my best friends in the world Saturday night, so I'll count that as a successful "getaway" as well!

I will surely be clinging to these getaway memories this week. Tomorrow I head back to University of Cincinnati Medical Center for my next and final (and way easier than the last) surgical procedure, my "exchange" surgery. I'll be posting about it later this week once I am back amongst the living and off the pain meds. So today, cheers to enjoying weekend memories & continuing the journey to a happy & healthy life!

Xoxo, Molly

First up: Our trip to Crystal Lake to celebrate the wonderful matriarch of the McKnight family's 80th birthday! No one deserves a bday bash more than her.

Next up: NYC! We took a family trip to celebrate Olivia & Kyle graduating high school and all had a blast. From baseball games, bridal gowns & country concerts, it was a jam-packed weekend in the city.

And finally, a work weekend in Chicago! The weekend was filled with work, but once it all was over Saturday night, I met my two BFFs Whitney and Lori for dinner & drinks at Quartino. I swear we could have sat there chatting all night! Nothing in the world is better than catching up with best girlfriends. 'Til next time! :)

Throwback Thursday: In Oceans Deep, Where Feet May Fail

Throughout this journey, there have been many "little things" or moments that have touched my heart. Whether that be a card in the mail from a friend, an evening spent laughing with girlfriends or a song played by the band at Crossroads, I'm very grateful. Today's Throwback Thursday post is about a song called "Oceans" by Hillsong United, and how it followed me throughout the last few months. The story begins a few months back one Sunday morning when I tagged along with two great friends to Crossroads. I admittedly hadn't been making it to church very often now that it's not 2 minutes away from where I live. So Crossroads was a great place holder for me to get my church fix and I was lucky to have friends who would always invite me to join them. This specific Sunday, the band played this awesome song that just spoke to me instantly. There's something about a good contemporary Christian song that just does it for me.

When I left church I googled what lyrics I could remember and quickly realized it was a popular song, and even some of my other church-going friends had heard it. I kept jamming to it (loudly) all day (annoying the heck out of Kevin) and by the next week it became my go-to song for when I needed some motivation.

Fast forward a few weeks and it's the morning of my surgery. And when I say morning, I mean EARLY morning. My mom and I hopped in the car around 4 or 4:30 a.m. and God bless her she had K-Love on the radio, as usual, and when she turned on the car, there was my song! If that's not a God moment, I don't know what is.

Now again fast forward another few weeks to the first weekend during my recovery that I brought myself back into civilization with my friends. We had gone to dinner Saturday night and they all went out to the bars afterward while Kev and I retreated home early. We had briefly discussed meeting for church in the morning but I figured they'd sleep in after a late night. But to my surprise about 30 minutes before church was to begin I get a text message that my two girlfriends are coming to pick me up to head to church, nonetheless with a green smoothie in hand (hallelujah!!!)

As we were grabbing coffee before finding a seat, I was talking about how I had heard "my" song on the way to the hospital a few weeks earlier and was trying to explain to my friend who had yet to hear it how much it moved me. And low and behold, five minutes later, what do they play? The song! Once again, God moment to a T.

The point of this walk down music memory lane is that my faith is something I am proud of, even when I sometimes unknowingly call upon it. God acts in mysterious ways, and sometimes, at least for me, I can find him and his peace in song. So for this awesome new "Jesus music" (you can chuckle) song find, God bless church-going friends, early morning Christian radio and girlfriends who pick you up with green smoothies.

Xoxo, Molly

P.S. I encourage you to listen to the song. It will not disappoint!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

List in Pics: "Make Good Choices" by Scott Essell

As the years go by, it slowly gets easier to use Father's Day for a day of celebration, admiration and honoring my dad’s memory. It may be impossible to put into words how unbelievable he was, but this list and these pictures are a good start. This List in Pics gives you five of the ways I learned to live by Scott Essell's infamous "make good choices" motto.

Work hard, play hard My dad's best friend calls anything Patagonia "Scott clothes." It's a fair statement. I was dressed in Patagonia, Birkenstocks and Ray Bans since I was a little tyke. The lesson is not to be a spoiled brat but to take pride in your hard work and splurge on things that make you happy. Whether that's a new pullover, a trip to see San Francisco or a new Apple product, I now can purchase a "Scott" item to treat myself for working hard (after putting some in my savings, too)!

Pay attention in school! My dad was smart. I mean, super smart. He had the kind of brain that absorbed everything he came in contact with. So because of that, he’d push Olivia and me to excel in our studies. From sitting me down at the kitchen table and trying endlessly to teach me math equations in junior high, to making sure I was going to my college classes as much as I was going to college parties, he made it clear education was a priority. As I look back now, I remember how excited I would get and how proud I would be to call him and tell him about a good grade I got on a paper or exam. Even when I didn’t realize it at the time, I succeeded because of him pushing me to do my best.

How to be a tough guy (girl in my case) Les Mecs Durs (translation: the tough guys) was a phrase plastered on so much cycling paraphernalia in the Essell household. Most people know my dad was an avid cyclist. He started his bike team, Team Nietzsche, in Cincinnati many years ago, and they continue to bike on Thursday mornings to this day. In the last three years of his life, he was truly the toughest guy. He fought so hard for so long, and I am so grateful that he did. During the past few months, I had to be tough as well. I’ve never done well with hospitals, needles, nonetheless surgery. Somehow, some way, I was able to draw on something inside of me to push through, and I know it was him, passing along his toughness. God bless guardian angels.

Show affection to those you love One thing I always remember about my dad was whenever he dropped me off at school, volleyball practice, work, etc., he would always give me a kiss before I got out of the car. Always. He showed me how much he loved me every day until the day he died. His memory makes me excited to have my own family and to show my children one day a love that is full and happy and infinite. He’d always sign his cards to me, “D.O.D.” Dear Old Dad. My dad was and still is truly that: so dear.

When all else fails, have a margarita My dad even took it a step further by making his own. One of my favorite memories of my dad is his love for Mexican food and good margaritas. We’d look forward to going to Cactus Pear or El Pueblo for fish tacos, and (once I was old enough) making margaritas at home with a big bag of limes and making simple syrup on the stove. I have a funny memory of coming home one day from work, upset about something that now seems silly, and sitting with him in the living room crying and carrying on about stupid drama. After I got a good cry out, he said “let’s make a margarita!” and we went into the kitchen and soon enough I was laughing and the bad day was completely forgotten. Lesson learned: have a margarita and use it as a way to remember him.

For those who can spend time with their fathers this Sunday, cherish it! And for those who are remembering their fathers and grandfathers this year, I wish you a day of peace, memories and love.

Xoxo, Molly

Throwback Thursday: Edition 1, The Bed on the Couch

When thinking of which memory I wanted to write about first for this new Throwback Thursday topic, it was obvious to me, but I had a little apprehension I'd embarrass him. Looking back at the last two months, and even the last year or two, there was one person that surprised me. He didn't always jump to say, "Yes, let's 100% do this and do it now! No problem!" but he also never once told me to hold back or re-think my decision. He forced me to have conversations about it, to really talk about how the process would work, what the end result would (hopefully) look like and what OUR, not just my, future would look like. Disclaimer: He has no idea I'm writing this and probably no idea I remember this story enough to write about it (the pain meds and my emotions that day were enough to erase any amount of memory). So as you read this, say a prayer that his face isn't turning the color of his hair. Those of you who know him know he's not a huge fan of spotlight unless it's on the karaoke stage, but even if he never admits it, I know he was secretly loving his two minutes of fame on Channel 5.

So this story begins day nine post-surgery, but the real story began just about five years ago. Kevin and I met in college at Ohio University, the "promise land" of the best four years of our lives, and a place that I'll never quite be able to explain to an outsider. We had a little more than two wonderful, crazy years together there and were lucky enough to both call Cincinnati home after graduation. But during all the parties and chaos of college fun, I was also dealing with spirts of challenging times, with my dad's health roller coasting from bad to good, to bad to OK, to the end. Through it all Kevin was there. Giving up weekends senior year to come home with me, skipping out last minute on the Hilton Head Island trip (along with the rest of my amazing friends) to attend the funeral. He truly never left my side. It's because of this that I should have known he'd be the stability I'd need during the decision making process of this surgery, and through the recovery.

I was interviewed a few weeks ago on 700WLW about my surgery. There was one question I'll admittedly say that threw me for a loop. "How could your fiancé  be OK with a surgery like this, when men are known to be attached to these things?" My answer was simple. It takes a strong man to handle something like this and to support the decision. And I think that strength in him, and our relationship, is what has gotten us through. It was not easy. It was not a simple "let's do this" and move on kind of decision. It took conversations, research and faith to get to where we are today. A lot of people are fascinated by the "engaged couple" part of our story. That here we are planning a wedding while going through this. The truth is I believe we're more capable of planning a wedding now than we would have been otherwise. Conversations about wedding venues, flowers and photographers seem a whole lot easier after discussing mastectomies, doctors, reconstruction and recoveries.

I'm blessed beyond belief to have someone like him in my life, for all those supportive and loving qualities. I'm even more lucky that after all the trying times we have been through, especially lately, we've been able to come out on top. It was during my recovery period that I realized how great he would be throughout the rest of my life. It's the little things that surprised me. And it's this little story below, written in these exact words on day nine of my recovery, that I'm so glad I documented so I can remember. And it's this I'll continue to remember throughout the rest of our lives.

Day Nine: To remember about this day: asking Kevin to help me replace the band aids and antibiotic ointment on my drain spots and having a sudden emotional breakdown of massive amounts of tears, out of nowhere (probably exhaustion). And returning from blowing my nose in the bathroom, to the couch being completely made into a snuggly bed for my comfort, all thanks to my loving fiancé who I sometimes forget to thank. For his patience, understanding and pure love for me and all the craziness that comes with me. Remember that bed made on the couch.

Xoxo, Molly

Note: Throwback Thursdays will continue to be an ongoing series, with new posts every other week (on Thursdays, duh.) I want to use these as a way to shed light on my experience, while also showing appreciation to those who got me through it. Maybe some of them will even be humorous :) I hope you enjoy these memories I documented during the preparing for and recovering from my double mastectomy.